She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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