I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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