3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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