I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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