I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
