Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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