so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
