Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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