I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
