Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i came on her dog
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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