it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
