I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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