i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
