Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
