in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
