I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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