Buhtt sex?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
What drink are we having for lunch?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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