peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
