She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
