I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
