I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
