I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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