My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize