Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
