i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
