My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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