It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
