I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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