I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
