After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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