watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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