a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize