i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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