I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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