RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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