There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
