i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
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