I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
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