Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
