I'm really into asian looking animals
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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