you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Shame - the story of my life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
