i already hear my dad disowning me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize