I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
