I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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