I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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