I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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