I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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