i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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