so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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