I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
