I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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