So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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