I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
