I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
