You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
