I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Floor bacon is actually really good
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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