I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
