Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
