Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
