Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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